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Siri Divided by Zero

Siri Divided by Zero

The funniest thing I’ve heard lately came from a computer and, for the record, wasn’t even remotely related to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Though on a side note, a terminator that looks at home in an AARP meeting is kinda funny. No, this was something Siri said. You know Siri, the computer voice who answers your questions [...]

Invisible to All

Invisible to All

It’s amazing the difference one little word can make. Take the Pledge of Allegiance, for instance. Should a well-meaning but obviously contextually confused boy say the pledge over his school’s loud speaker and change “indivisible” to “invisible,” the meaning shifts dramatically. “One nation invisible to all” doesn’t seem to capture the essence of what I [...]

Dog and Watch Alarms

Dog and Watch Alarms

Have you ever had one of those surreal moments when hilarious and pitiful cross paths, like a lonely intersection of some desert highway replete with an old man in a pinstripe suit holding a cane waiting to ask about your willingness to part with your soul? You know the type of situation I’m talking about. [...]

One More Meow!

One More Meow!

There are certain inherent issues associated with being a teacher. For instance, the question, “Do you have any tissue?” is usually accompanied by an image you can’t erase from your mind, no matter how hard you try. And sick kids, they always ask to go to the nurse standing as close to you as they [...]

‘Creepy’ with a C

‘Creepy’ with a C

I have no problem admitting I am spelling impaired.  In my opinion, Samuel Clemens was on to something when he said, “Simplified spelling is all right, but, like chastity, you can carry it too far.”  Make no mistake, I know this means I have opened myself to criticism by a certain crusty, old English teacher [...]

Round Peg Round Hole

Round Peg Round Hole

In case you hadn’t noticed, sometimes life makes me say, “Really?”  It happened again this past week, and I was left shaking my head, wondering if perhaps I had slipped into the Twilight Zone.  It started with a garbage container at a barbecue fast food restaurant.  Thought had apparently been put into making this container.  [...]

Pack Goats

Pack Goats

I recently discovered that there is actually such a thing as a pack goat. Tell me that’s not the most brilliant idea mankind has put forth. Oh, the things I’d do with my very own pack goat. I would enroll in a college class and have it carry my books. I’d take a vacation somewhere [...]

Cow Psychology

Cow Psychology

I’ve always been a little curious about cow psychology. Take, for instance, the cowbell. Now, I’m not referencing the dinner cowbell which is, of course, purely Pavlovian. I mean a bell hanging around the lead cow’s neck. Is this so called bell cow popular because they have a bell or do they have a bell [...]

Mystery Sphere

Mystery Sphere

As a teacher, should you ever have reason to enter a school, I offer some drop dead serious advice – beware of the mystery substance. Adults tend to rationalize a peculiar moment by predetermining that no one would do that and you just don’t find that sort of stain in a civilized society. They are [...]

Star Wars

Star Wars

My wife has a talking Wookiee. While that may sound like a personal problem you don’t openly share with others, it turns out it’s a really good thing for a Star Wars junkie. Now I know most of you have probably never heard of Star Wars. It’s a small, independent film with a prequel just [...]

Don’t Feed it to the Dog

Don’t Feed it to the Dog

After spending the day at my mother’s house, nestled cozy next to her dog in way too imminent nasal proximity, I offer this holiday tidbit. Please, for the love of all that is right in this world, do not let your dog ingest the remnants of a fine seasoned meal. It may begin as delicious [...]

A Fine Line

A Fine Line

Sometimes there is a fine line between acceptable and faux pas. I’ve noticed that when it comes to relationships, that line is often closely associated with the U.S. penal code’s definition of a felony. I know love is blind, but come on, people. Let’s use some common sense. I’m going to take a moment here [...]

A Lily Snack

A Lily Snack

My dog, Lily, has recently started calling the neighbor boy “snack.” I sat down and had a serious conversation with her about how inappropriate it is to refer to him that way. It didn’t go very well. “Lily,” I said. “It’s completely inappropriate to call that boy ‘snack’.” “You have snacks, don’t you, Daddy?” she [...]

You Might Be Too Old to Trick-Or-Treat If…

You Might Be Too Old to Trick-Or-Treat If…

Once again, Halloween is upon us and Trick-or-Treat is on the tip of every kid’s tongue. I am emphatic when I say dressing up, knocking on doors, and begging for candy is a kid’s sport. Adults should never combine these activities, which by themselves could add spice to your marriage, get you encyclopedia salesperson of [...]

An Unseen, but Not Unnoticed, Truth

An Unseen, but Not Unnoticed, Truth

There is an inescapable truth about parenting that cannot be denied by anyone who has ever raised an athlete, hunter, or member of the marching band. Those seemingly unrelated activities are connected in a way that goes unseen, but certainly not unnoticed. They stink. Oh, not that soft, uncomfortable odor of a normal smelly child, [...]

Why Goats Should Never Ski

Why Goats Should Never Ski

If I had a goat, I’d never ever let it go snow skiing. I’m sure it would want to, seeing how goats are known to be drawn toward speed, high-risk behavior, and, well, mountains. It would probably beg and offer cheese or something, but I’d just put my foot down and say “no” because the [...]

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