Home » Archives by category » Columns » Really? (Page 3)

Global Warming and Terrorism

Global Warming and Terrorism

I try not to get political on these pages, but a funny thing happened in the latest presidential debate. Bernie Sanders linked terrorism and global warming. Apparently, I’m somehow supposed to believe people terrorize Paris because they’re thirsty. Yes, global warming will melt ice caps leading to immense flooding, but amazingly, it also will make [...]

Billy the Kid

Billy the Kid

A photograph recently surfaced of Billy the Kid playing croquet. Does anyone else find this disturbing? The pop culture utopia we live in deserves a photo of the gunslinger playing poker with a menacing snarl. Instead, we get a Kardashian sized smack in the paparazzi mesmerized face. Maybe, just maybe, reality is trying to restore [...]

You Know What I Used to Do?

You Know What I Used to Do?

Usually when I say to my wife, “You know what I used to do,” she rolls her eyes and scoffs. She knows I’m about to tell her something beautifully fictitious, like how I played in the NBA before an unfortunate lumberjacking accident lowered my height by nearly a foot, or about the time I was [...]

A Mathematical Conundrum

A Mathematical Conundrum

Everybody has heard their math teacher proclaim that if the answer to a question doesn’t make sense, it’s probably wrong. Well, put away your pocket protectors and hide the abacus because a fourth grader just turned that notion on its head. The math problem was one of those “how many combinations” conundrums that inevitably seem [...]

Sleep Deprivation

Sleep Deprivation

School has begun, soccer and volleyball are in full swing, the grass is still growing and time seems to be disappearing faster than dignity at a Miley Cyrus concert. These confluences have led to an epiphany on sleep deprivation. Lack of shut eye apparently leads to incoherent rambling. This is most evident in a cow [...]

Soccer Friends

Soccer Friends

My daughter just had a sleepover at our house with three of her friends. Aside from the fact I can sleep through a series of high pitched squeals capable of inducing spasms in a dog of questionable constitution when my exhaustion level passes from lethargy into comatose, I learned a couple of important things. First, [...]

Motive

Motive

If you’ve ever questioned the relevance of motive, consider this interesting conundrum. My wife and dog both want a cat. If by chance you are a cuddly little feline, mens rea may seem pertinent to your prospects, given the disparity of greeting offered by each. I suppose the moral of this circumstance is not all [...]

Home Alone

Home Alone

My girls are going on a trip without me. Theoretically, this shouldn’t be an issue, but I’ve only been alone one night in the last twenty years, so theory may not hold up. My lovely daughter describes a rather grim expectation of what will occur while her mother and she are at volleyball camp. According [...]

Amusement(?) Parks

Amusement(?) Parks

I’ve just come back from vacation as it strikes me that amusement parks are poorly named. Perhaps, and I’m just throwing this out there, they should be called Hell’s furnace of eternal exhaustion and monetary atrocity. I was certainly not amused when I paid four thousand dollars for a bottle of water in a futile [...]

It’s Been A Tad Warm Lately

It’s Been A Tad Warm Lately

I’m not saying it’s been hot lately, but three of my ribs actually melted. The other day I was sweating so much, TVA tried to build a dam next to my shirt. I don’t really have a point to this, mostly due to heat induced delirium. Turns out, I ramble during heat stroke. I’d just [...]

Tigers on a Goat Leash

Tigers on a Goat Leash

There are very few things in the world that make me happier than misheard music lyrics and, of course, goats. Anybody that follows my column knows this to be massively evident and may even recall musings of “big ole Chad and Delilah” or fabulously utilitarian pack goats. When those things come around, I can’t help [...]

Emoticons are Awesome

Emoticons are Awesome

Every now and then, I feel comfortable making a blanket statement about our humble existence here on planet Earth. If I may be so bold, I have discovered another certainty. Emoticons are fabulous. There. It’s out for the world to know. A smirking, yellow face with sunglasses transcends normal conversation. After all, a picture is [...]

Time Disappearing

Time Disappearing

I’m not going to mince words here, so I’ll come straight out and say it. I suspect these weekends are getting shorter. I’m not an astronomer, or a Time Lord, or from Switzerland or anything, but I’m pretty sure time is being suspiciously removed. I don’t know why this would be done or who is [...]

Beach TV

Beach TV

If there is one thing I like better than goats, it’s Beach TV, or infomercials, or perhaps the wax they put around cheese. I’ve recently cut the cable cord, which inadvertently led to the epiphany that I can get Beach TV on my new Roku device. Hallelujah. The glory of twenty-four hours of beach commercials [...]

Riding My Mower Around Town

Riding My Mower Around Town

When you’re young, there are certain things you swear you will never do. You know the type of things I’m talking about. Hang out on the patio in boxer shorts and old man socks. Set your teeth on the dining room table. Socialize on a bench about important weather concerns. Leave your blinker on for [...]

Easter is Confusing

Easter is Confusing

Easter is right around the bend, and I have to admit the secular celebration of this holiday befuddles my sensibilities. Religiously, and I think we can all agree spirituality is the entire point of Easter, it not only makes perfect sense, but also is, in my humble opinion, both glorious and moving. It is not [...]