Goodbye Cable
Sometimes life just tumbles into line, a perfect serendipity. Take this week, for instance. My wife contacted the cable company about reducing our bill from two kidneys and a liver down to one kidney, two pints of blood plasma, and seven fertile eggs. As always, resistance is futile. You will be assimilated, even if it […]
Pi Day
So, another Pi day has come and gone as the Earth spins its magnificent circle. 3.14, the perfect number. In the kingdom of geeks, it exceeds even the Fibonacci sequence, and its celebration rivals the release of Hobbits, LOTR, and any Star Wars film which doesn’t include Jar Jar. It clearly exceeds those that do […]
The Buzzz!!
The buzz word this week is “divisive.” The head governmental hive met twice this week to make decisions about who would bee pollination and how much honey would go into the jar. Buzzy Bees in the know are buzzing that the lines that divide could bee more telling than the actual count. The low humm […]
My Dog is Afraid of Fish
Unfortunately, there is a bit of turmoil in my house these days that doesn’t seem to be going away. In passing, I may have mentioned my dog’s fear of fish. No matter what has been said, the gravity of the problem has been severely underrepresented. Lily doesn’t just fear fish. She is terrified. The fish […]
Goat Evolution
As some of you know, I have a mild, perfectly normal interest in goats. Yes, I explored the concept of a fully functional pack goat and concluded its awesomeness would surpass the awesomeness of a fully functional Death Star. That is a perfectly reasonable conclusion and does not even suggest any sort of obsession. It […]
Birds Feast Before a Storm
There is an old wives’ tale that states birds feast before a big snowfall. Yesterday, as I peered out my bedroom window, I saw a flock of birds gorging themselves in my yard, which seemed consistent with the legend, even if it doesn’t quite confirm its truth. While this behavior is certainly interesting, it is […]
GOAT
In my house, I catch a lot of grief for my genuine and, in my opinion, perfectly understandable appreciation for all things goat related. In my defense, I’d like to drop this nugget of truth on those biased against the bearded wonders of culinary indiscrimination. The internet acronym for greatest of all time is GOAT. […]
A Dream of “What?”
I had a dream James Taylor was rapping “Deflate Cha” while John Kerry hugged and kissed Tom Brady at a press conference. Hillary Clinton then proceeded to wash out James Taylor’s mouth with soap made by Martha Stewart. This to me seemed appropriate because that is not the kind of song nice folk singers should […]
Sadie and the Shoe in My Yard
There is a man’s shoe in my yard. This in and of itself is strange. Combine the fact that it is not my shoe and the mystery deepens. I’m sure you’ve identified the obvious suspect, and under most circumstances, I would agree. My dog, Lily, is not above such snatchery, though I’ve yet to see […]
Snow Day Holidays
I realize most people think the holiday season ends once New Year’s Day is in our rear view mirror. But ask any child, or better yet any teacher, and they will quickly correct your error. Tis the season of snow days. Ah, the glorious ring of a One Call liberating your day and your spirit. Jack […]
New Year Resolutions
Another year has passed and it’s time for the big crystal ball to drop, ringing in the new and ushering forth a string of unfulfilled resolutions. So with due haste, I shall submit a few items of good intention which will undoubtedly fade, or wither, or crash hopelessly on the shore of time where a […]
Christmas Wishes
With Jolly Old Saint Nick loading his sleigh for a glorious Christmas run, my thoughts turn to holiday wishes. From my heart to yours, I hope you have: 1. Less than two of those annoying twisty things holding your gift in its box. Let’s face it. Houdini can’t open those without a chainsaw and […]
Some Middle-Earth Clarification
In honor of the last Hobbit movie, I’d like to set a few Middle Earth related items straight. First, I’ve been asked by a very astute young lady if I live in a Hobbit hole. While I certainly wish I did reside in a Hobbit hole, I must confess that as of now, I do […]
Misheard Song Lyrics
Children are an endless reservoir of humor, especially when they inherit their aunt’s bizarre, not in the least logical, ability to mishear song lyrics. ‘Big ol’ Chad and Delilah’ isn’t exactly a seamless replacement for ‘big ol’ jet airliner,’ but I suppose if your sense of reality twists past certain limits either could, in theory, […]
Infomercials Are Horrifying
Normally, I enjoy spending some quality time with an infomercial or the shopping network. In fact, one day I’m going to purchase a really cool vacuum cleaner, despite no interest in vacuuming, or attend a seminar on how to buy real estate with absolutely no money down. No money down. That’s as mysterious as the […]
Thanksgiving Happiness
Sometimes I like to share some of life’s great secrets with my students. Now, before the more experienced of my readers gets their fur up because these kids aren’t having to roll down a college hill and break a foot learning what life is about, let me assure you I keep the important stuff, like […]
