Alien Dinner Choices
It’s true, people sometimes accuse me of being somewhat paranoid. I think they’re just out to get me. It is, however, remotely possible I’m getting worked up over nothing this time. Or, more likely, a serious dilemma looms on the horizon. The social ramifications of space travel are, in a word, ominous. The concerns related […]
Clash of Addiction
My daughter recently introduced me to an app called “Clash of Clans.” When I say introduced, I mean it roughly the same way sugar was introduced into Western culture, South American drug cartels introduced addicts to their product, and small pox was introduced to the Aztecs. I am now convinced that civilization as we know […]
Bass Pro and In-Laws
Life is often bizarre, funny, and humbling. This weekend, it hit all three like Babe Ruth after his 12th hot dog, which, for the record, were made of some pretty gruesome things back when the Babe was eating them. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but I made it through the […]
Hikes and Imaginary Bears
This week, I’m going to keep things short and simple, like the 0.7 mile hike I went on “to the lakeshore.” Only it turned out the hike wasn’t short or simple. Somebody moved the decimal place on me. There have been world wars shorter than that hike. The life span of a Galapagos turtle is […]
Do Dogs Understand Us?
Have you ever wondered whether your dog understands what you’re saying, but has trouble with nuance and context? What if they get it but they take it all super duper serious. Say, for instance, you say, “If that dog catches a rabbit, I’m gonna have a cow.” The dog could be totally freaked out by […]
What NOT To Do While Taking Tests
Once again, test week is upon us and anxiety is reaching a crescendo better than Wagner blaring out of mounted speakers on an Army green helicopter. (I’ll take Vietnam for 200, Alex, and hope I get the Common Core Daily Double.) Children are stressed. Parents have their last nerve firmly pressed between the thumb and […]
Easter Kickball with the Thunderfoot
Easter Sunday I was challenged to a game of kickball. Perhaps the gauntlet was thrown because my ball kicking talents are legendary. In New York, for instance, they call me London since that’s how far I kick a ball. In London, it gets more confusing and nicknames range from Bombay, Marco Polo, and Nova Scotia […]
The UT Spring Game Crucible
Sometimes during a great big failure, you become aware of a great big success. This past weekend I took the family to the University of Tennessee’s spring football game. It was meant to be a delightful time for all. However, it fell a bit short. We gathered the binoculars and headed off to the stadium […]
The Geek Trifecta
My geek is showing, as my sister, a dull Muggle, used to say. In fact, this week it reached a harmonious crescendo. My wife, uber geek, found a geek loot of the month club. Now we can receive Einstein bobble heads, LOTR gear, and dwarven keys to the mountain randomly through the mail. And yes, […]
Insulting TV Ads
I am not normally easily offended. You won’t offend me with disparaging comments about my heritage or personal attacks. Calling my mother a hamster and declaring my father smelled of elderberries is more likely to bring a chuckle than irritation. I sail smoothly across the sea of political correctness and derision. My ship does not […]
Pool Parties and Impending Doom
What a weekend I just experienced. Dark realism crept from the shadows like a legion of spiders. No matter where I turned, reality smacked me in the face with a new, desperate realization. Let me explain. I have determined, through diligent observation, that Girl Scout moms possess dark clown magic. Oh, they may look innocent […]
We Saw It Coming
Sometimes the funniest things just kind of happen, and occasionally you see them coming a mile away. Take, for instance, a baby socking some guy below the belt. That’s funny and you know it’s gonna happen well in advance. It’s like slow motion where you actually groan before contact, then laugh until you pass out. […]
Rub Some Dirt On It
My daughter decided to get her ears pierced this past weekend. Since ramming a metal object through your skin leaving a permanent hole is a tad intrusive, we left the decision up to her. She’s old enough to make an informed choice and care for her body afterwards, so off we went. Now, there was […]
Yes, I can hear your snickers
Have you ever had one of those moments where during the process of judging someone’s actions you realize you’re doing the same thing? Say, for instance, you’re complaining about all the people at the grocery store buying milk and bread before a snow storm only to realize that you’re only mad because you are there […]
So You Think Its Cold Here?
So, you think it’s been cold here in Tennessee? Let me tell you about cold. I married a North Dakota girl. Don’t even try replicating that feat. There were only three when I got mine, one of the two left is chased by the nearly twenty-six North Dakota men more than Sasquatch has been chased, […]
Bernie Cheavers and The Dun Dun Chiefs
This week, I just have a few observations. There isn’t any discernable cohesion to these thoughts, so bear with me as I get some things off my chest. First, I have mixed feelings when I learn my wife’s nickname for me means “hot potato” in broken Spanish. It’s highly descriptive, and partially randy, but confusing […]
