Thrown Under The Bus!
Have you ever met one of those kids that will tell on themselves and throw everyone around them under the bus at the same time? Well, it runs in my family. When my nephew was little, the moment he got home from his grandparents he would list every piece of candy he received and who […]
Plumbing Supply Stores aka. Water Parks
As a parent, you sometimes have to make difficult choices. Take, for instance, convincing my daughter Chuck E. Cheese was an automotive repair shop. That was a difficult choice. Well, actually that one was kinda easy. It was sorta like the whole human survival mechanism kicked in pretty quick there. Most parenting choices are way […]
It starts like this…
Life has some universal truths. For instance, when cable goes out, it’s always during your favorite TV show and traffic is worse when you’re running late. Through some sort of divine providence, you can also count on a strange smell at a discount store, one you originally think is unidentifiable then regret you’ve lost that […]
Bad Oreos?
I heard someone say this week that Oreos dipped in white chocolate were voted the worst food for your health. I did not have a vote in this poll, and I find the results to be pure poppycock. No matter what criteria you use, I can find something worse like, for instance, puffer fish. Oreos […]
Good Plan, Great Intentions
For the record, I had a good plan and great intentions. Unfortunately, my weekend ended up a colossal Hindenburg type fail. In fact, train wrecks have gone better. I’m talking a Michael Dukakis run for president kind of weekend here. You see, I like football. My daughter likes shoes and beach balls. That’s about as […]
We have hot glue. Bam! Trump that!
Boy, what a week. It started off with a hot glue malfunction that nearly cost me my thumb. You think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. I’m dead serious here. Hot glue could very well be the most dangerous substance known to man. I’ve heard the hype about plasma disintegration and solar death rays, but I’m […]
Where do I start?
During a recent conversation with someone, they relayed a shirt they had seen a group of mothers wearing. It was tax free shopping day, which like Black Friday really should be renamed. I’d go with something like “Due to a high degree of self loathing, I submit my pitiful soul to a day of shopping […]
“Chuck that wood, woodchuck! Chuck it!”
I’ve been thinking about the veracity, sometimes even the possibility, of those strange phrases everyone likes to throw out. Take, for instance, ‘eat your heart out.’ Certainly I can eat someone else’s heart out, though it would get quite messy and I don’t have a clue why I’d want to behave that way. I’d probably […]
If you think the Baby’s ugly
As you might imagine, people tell me some odd things. Apparently, when you write about dressing up a goat as Grandma and driving it around town, the assumption is weird is wonderful, and if it involves animals, all the better. I say this to point out I was absolutely not surprised when someone told me […]
Afraid Of Getting Wet?
Have you ever noticed people stop swimming when it starts raining? That’s one of those things that confuse me. Really? Are you afraid you’re gonna get wet while you swim? It just doesn’t make sense. I was at the beach recently, and it was showering. No thunder. No lightning. Just rain. In fact, part of […]
Way Too Literal
The world is way too literal these days. You want proof? The roof of a local school just collapsed. Thank goodness it was summer and nobody was in the building, but let’s face it, people. The collapse of the education system isn’t supposed to be a literal, physical collapse. Perhaps I am currently walking several […]
Bright side or even colder?
I just returned from the mountains where I dipped my feet in the proverbial “cool mountain stream.” That description is not only wrong, but misleading in a way that could cause a man to lose his toes to frostbite. Cool mountain stream, my rear end, which by the way is still shivering. I suppose cool […]
Now That’s Cold
My air conditioner is out. In fact, the entire unit will be replaced this week. My house is as hot as a fire fairy wearing thermal underwear in the rim of a volcano. It’s as hot as that plate they tell you not to touch at the restaurant, and yes, I touch it anyway. It’s […]
We Still Have The Cilantro
The puppy wars have escalated, and Lily is a bad girl. Now, before you get all sensitive and chastise me for negative speech that could affect my dog’s self-esteem, let me point out Lily already knows she is a bad girl. Apparently, she doesn’t care, at least enough to not be a bad girl. For […]
Perspective
Dogs seem to have a unique perspective on life. Take the simple task of quenching thirst, for instance. My dog, Lily, will pass right by her freshly filled water bowl to take a drink out of the toilet. She’s smart by canine standards, so smart she even attempts to match wits with her Momma (a […]
Different Languages
I was trying to explain teenage boys to a group of teenage girls last week, and I had a startling revelation. From a girl’s perspective, teenage boys are like goats who think they’re wolves. Consider this: they follow you around (if you’re a teenage girl), they have a few wispy hairs on their chins, and […]
