Now That’s Cold

My air conditioner is out.  In fact, the entire unit will be replaced this week.  My house is as hot as a fire fairy wearing thermal underwear in the rim of a volcano.  It’s as hot as that plate they tell you not to touch at the restaurant, and yes, I touch it anyway.  It’s as hot in my house as flaming fire on fire cooked in a microwave inside a broiler inside a brick oven inside a pottery kiln.  Molten metal considers my house too hot.  Firecrackers spontaneously explode.  Flies burst into blue flames.  Massive polar glaciers whisper among themselves of the heat emanating from my house and tremble in fear.  It’s kinda hot, and that in and of itself is definitely not funny.

Now my family’s reaction to the heat is, I must admit, a little bit funny.  My wife is from North Dakota, where anything above freezing is considered a heat wave.  Sometimes they actually warm up using ice.  She is not amused by the heat resulting from the broken air conditioner.  Calling a repairman is not usually a life or death situation, but for me, I think it was reaching that level.  Some women stare daggers.  She was glaring cruise missiles, flaming hot cruise missiles.  She is grumpy, sweaty, and at one point, I think she began to melt into the couch.  Now sweaty was her word.  I described her condition as glistening.  The hand gesture and accompanying phrase was how I knew she was grumpy.

My daughter and dog are also reacting to the heat.  I’m pretty sure the dog is sneaking into the bedroom and calling the air conditioner people.  I think the conversation went something like this.

            “Are you the people that make that blowy hole in the floor cold?”

            “Excuse me?”

            “The dog cooler.  Do you know how to fix it?”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “Apparently not!  Fur, man!  Lots of panting, like a common outside dog!  I can’t stand this heat anymore.  Get over here and fix the cold blowy thing.  I, I mean my dog, is hot!”

Now my daughter has taken another approach.  She’s moved out.  As soon as the sun sets enough to cause a few shadows, she bolts for the yard with her sleeping bag and iPod.  It seems she can get Netflix in the yard.  Turns out air conditioning and Netflix were the only things keeping her from moving.  Now, that’s cold.  Unfortunately, it’s the only thing that’s cold around here.