We have hot glue. Bam! Trump that!

Boy, what a week.  It started off with a hot glue malfunction that nearly cost me my thumb.  You think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not.  I’m dead serious here.  Hot glue could very well be the most dangerous substance known to man.  I’ve heard the hype about plasma disintegration and solar death rays, but I’m way more afraid of hot glue.  By definition, it is both hot and sticky.  You can’t get that stuff off until the underlying dermis blisters, bubbles like a bullfrog’s throat, and peels off with it.  You might as well have stuck your thumb in molten lava from some Jurassic volcano.  With hot glue, the Spanish Inquisition would have simply been called ‘Confession Day’.  Oh, so you have a nuclear warhead?  We have hot glue.  Bam!  Trump that!

Just for the record, it is impossible to use hot glue without getting burned.  You can plan carefully, but you’ll get burned.  You can wear gloves, but you’ll get burned.  You can use a heat shield rated to 5,000ºC and a NASA designed robotic arm, but, you know, you’ll get burned.  And then you get laughed at.

For some reason, people think it’s funny when a grown man walks around with what’s left of his thumb in a beaker of ice water.  This seems to amuse people.  Burn a digit on the manifold of your Harley motorcycle and you’re some sort of tough guy.  Melt half your thumb off with hot glue and suddenly you’re the kind of person that gets bullied by Smurfs.  They all want to chuckle.  You know who doesn’t chuckle?  Anybody who has used and therefore inevitably been burned by hot glue.  They feel your pain more than Bill Clinton speaking at a divorcee’s retreat.

Listen up, all you government types.  You have been barking up the wrong tree.  Stop trying to ban guns and extra large soft drinks.  Hot glue is the real menace society is facing.  If you can get rid of hot glue, I’ll give you one and a half thumbs up.