Where does the apostrophe go at?

Dr. Henry Selby, Headmaster All Saints’ Episcopal School, Morristown, TN

Teachers of children!  Take heed!  It’s time for a revolution in basic grammar!  Will you join me?

Today’s subject involves only two points of English mechanics and grammar that set my teeth on edge.  Both have reached epidemic proportions in our beautiful east Tennessee region.  Frighteningly, there is evidence that these abuses of our common tongue are recent!  Fifty years ago our residents knew how to form the plural of nouns.  Fifty years ago they knew not to end a sentence with a preposition.  Like unwelcome invader species, the use of the apostrophe to form plurals, and ending interrogatory sentences with “at”, must be controlled!

I saw a poster recently that attempts to correct one of these atrocities.  “Every time someone uses an apostrophe to form a plural, a puppy dies.”  Perhaps it will have a salutary effect.

What can be done with the ubiquitous “at”?  I propose a frontal assault.  Our own English teachers from the good old days would use this tactic.  They were always on duty as protectors of standard English usage.  Not only in school, but in any given social situation they felt free to correct pupils and strangers alike.  Squinting their eyes above bejeweled half-frames, they would sharply correct the ne’er-do-well’s improper grammar, finishing up with an icy glare.

You may wonder if we should attack the left flank as well.  Using the past participle in place of the past tense (“I seen it yesterday”) freely wanders about our mountains and valleys, doesn’t it?  That may be, but its detrimental effect is mitigated somehow by the regional dialect.  Were we in Michigan (where it is truly a scourge on the linguistic landscape) I might be moved to passionate resolve.  Here, however, it is almost endearing.  It is not unlike the mellifluous “you uns” whose proper pronunciation defies conventional orthography.

Maybe you have a bone to pick with those who misuse “quite” and “quiet”.  It is true that one is a two-syllable word, but locally we pronounce them the same:  Kwot.  I have no quarrel with the pronunciation unless you are giving me a spelling test.

Does standard English matter?  Without a doubt it is a cardinal sign of the well-educated.  It is also the finest tool for precise communication.  Is it important to understand and to be understood? It is to me.  Join me in the fight, won’t you?  If we persevere then perhaps we can tackle “just between you and I”.