Why Goats Should Never Ski

Really 300xIf I had a goat, I’d never ever let it go snow skiing. I’m sure it would want to, seeing how goats are known to be drawn toward speed, high-risk behavior, and, well, mountains. It would probably beg and offer cheese or something, but I’d just put my foot down and say “no” because the consequences are too serious.

If it went snow skiing, it would see the ice skating rink. Next thing you know, my goat would be wearing some sort of ice tutu doing triple Salchows, which it would rename triple Salgoats. Someone would also lose a finger, or perhaps a hoof. Ice skating is very dangerous. After all, you’re practically traveling at light speed on razor blades. In the goat world those that engage in this type of reckless behavior are known as pepperoni. But that’s not what worries me.

If my goat ice skated, it would also want to roller skate, probably while listening to Dancing Queen or YMCA. While goats have no business interacting with village people or Scandinavian pop singers, for different yet equally disturbing reasons, that isn’t the interaction that worries me. Yes, the idea of my goat in chaps singing about the Navy seems a bit over the top, but it’s bowling I really fear.

At the roller skating rink, my goat would hear about bowling and I’m sure would want to try it. He’d have a special ball made (no fingers). That would be expensive, and he’d blow most of his paycheck. But it’s not the money I’m worried about, it’s the pool table in the bowling alley.

Once my goat played one game of pool, he would want to visit a pool hall. At the pool hall, he would give a mouse a cookie and set off a cataclysmic chain reaction. It’s not the cataclysm or the pool, however, that have me all worked up. It’s the Harley Davidson motorcycles in the parking lot.

I don’t want my goat traipsing all over the globe with his biker buddies. The last thing this world needs is another rogue goat biker with his goat biker handshake and Capricorn biker patch. So that settles it. My goat is definitely not going snow skiing. Now if people will just keep their mice away from baked goods, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Source: David Swann