Cow Violence

Today, I’d like to address a serious problem currently plaguing our world. I am disturbed by the growing epidemic of cow on cow violence. This type of senseless behavior is udderly irresponsible. I don’t want to sound cheesy, but the simple truth is that problems in bovine interpersonal relationships have been churned to the surface. The cream has not risen to the top. In fact, if anything, it has soured.

What is the root of this abomination, you might ask? Swine have their ultra violent pork chop. We expect this type of behavior from pigs. Poultry are simply too chicken to allow differences to come to blows, but nevertheless they continue to peck at one another. It would be safe to say their species, until this point at least, has laid an egg. Cows, however, used to milk their relationship. We could always expect them to put a steak in the heart of discord. The trouble, I believe, lies in the quality of bovine life.

Today, due to job shortages, the lack of a strong bull in calves’ lives, and extreme hormone therapy, cows believe the grass is always greener on the other side. Chew on that for a moment. Then digest it. It’s all a matter of perspective. Do you see yourself as flank steak or a filet mignon? Are you whipping cream or a milkshake? So I say form a circle of unity and ring your bells for peace, cows of the world! We can’t all be born in Kobe, Japan. Believe in yourself. See your future as a full price hand bag, not a discount belt for a man who wears suspenders. The choice is yours. Stop the violence. Stand up and be herd.