Baby Gear

Have you ever noticed how much stuff people with kids carry around? I remember it used to be a hassle when my daughter was small, but I’d forgotten just how extreme it was until a 4^th of July family cookout at my parents’ house. The cousins came in with little ones, and I’m not exaggerating when I say companies with large trucks have been hired to move less across town than these people were carrying. It shouldn’t take parents longer to find sunscreen than it takes KISS to set up a concert involving flames, demon makeup, and a four story pulley and harness system. There are entire carnivals that set up faster than parents can unpack and pop up, let’s say, a play pen. On a side note, I think I saw twenty-three clowns crawl out of one of the strollers, which in and of itself wouldn’t be very strange since the stroller was the size of a circa 1890 steam train except for the very obvious sign hanging from the handle that clearly said “No clowns allowed.” Apparently, they’d had that problem before.

At any rate, it shouldn’t take a backhoe, crane contractor, and crew of seventeen to carry and set out your kid’s stuff. Three people, or five hands, should be plenty. Of course, if you can figure out how to get five hands with less than three people, you are also probably smart enough not to have kids that require a pen, a leash, three monitors, and laser sensors to keep them out of their own or great grandma Iris’ diaper.

So, what am I getting at here? The point is I survived, and if you are still lugging around a gypsy village for your little ones, you will as well. But I’m going to laugh at you until you can leave the house with no bags, or strollers, or pens, or toys in tow. For the record, my child just walked in with the laundry she folded and cleaned up my empty cups from the table. When she can drive, I will have all the fast food and milkshakes a man can eat delivered right to my recliner.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to leave my socks on the floor for her to pick up as I gloat to those with diaper bag hernias. But I say to them, “Have faith and persevere! One day, you will have carried enough baby tonnage and nurtured the little tikes long enough for them to do chores as well. And when you have, I’ll explain the preteen blues and recommend a therapist that might be able to keep you from pulling out the small patch of hair you’ll have remaining by that point.”