You Might Be Too Old to Trick-Or-Treat If…

Really 300xOnce again, Halloween is upon us and Trick-or-Treat is on the tip of every kid’s tongue. I am emphatic when I say dressing up, knocking on doors, and begging for candy is a kid’s sport. Adults should never combine these activities, which by themselves could add spice to your marriage, get you encyclopedia salesperson of the year, or help you recover from a hypoglycemic episode. If you are wondering whether you are too old to trick or treat, let me offer some assistance.

If you overhear the little kids in the neighborhood say they have to hurry and get to the door before “that creepy old man dressed like Justin Bieber who hogs all the good candy,” you are too old to trick or treat.

If you dress like a pirate and someone screams because they think they are getting robbed by an actual pirate, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you can drive yourself around the neighborhood, you are too old to trick or treat, and by the way, you are ruining the sinister image of Dracula when kids see you dressed like the Lord of the Undead driving a minivan with a ‘My kid’s an Honor Student’ bumper sticker.

If you can buy all the candy you want and eat all you want without losing your play privileges or part of your allowance, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you dress up in a Little Bo Peep outfit and the police detain you for an ID check because they suspect you may be a lady of the night, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you can legally wash your candy down with a beer, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you can finish the line “Wake me up before you ___________,” you are too old to trick or treat.

If you hear someone say, “When a problem comes along,” and you reply with, “You must whip it,” you are too old to trick or treat.

If you ask for candy and when you get stared at in dumbfounded silence you respond, “Bueller . . . Bueller . . . Bueller . . .” you are too old to trick or treat.

If you can do the Charleston, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you know who Deney Terrio is, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you have a favorite Grease song or can name your favorite John Travolta movie, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you know who Lawrence Welk is, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you have a favorite Beatle, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you’ve ever owned a cell phone bigger than your head, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you harbor resentment because your parents dressed you in bell bottoms, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you dress as a zombie and someone passes out because you look just like their great uncle who died three years ago, you are too old to trick or treat.

If Molly Ringwald makes you feel nostalgic, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you have ever been in a mosh pit or to a KISS concert, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you even for a fleeting moment thought Rick Springfield was cool, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you’ve ever groaned getting up off the floor, you are too old to trick or treat.

If you are dressing up on Halloween in hopes of getting a Whatchamacallit, you are too old to trick or treat.

Just stay home!

Source: David Swann

Jefferson Farmers Co-op 08112014