Puppy Wars

The war between my new puppy, Lily, and my wife kicked into high gear this week.  Now, those of you who are unfamiliar with the ongoing conflict, let me set the stage.  Lily is a 70 pound puppy from the animal shelter.  She’s some sort of Shepherd mix.  My lovely wife thinks she is Shepherd mixed with the blonde boy from Home Alone or perhaps a malevolent poltergeist, but I don’t think either is the case, though I haven’t completely ruled these scenarios out just yet.  Anyway, Lily is something like ten months old or, and I quote, “Old enough to know better.”  I won’t tell you how old my wife is in the name of self preservation.  I will, however, tell you she likes a clean house and enjoys cooking.  Lily’s hobbies are eating, chewing, tracking dirt, jumping, nibbling, and creatively inducing chaos into the most benign situations.

This week, however, the battle escalated.  Lily, you see, can reach the kitchen counter and is determined to make the most of this new found skill.  First, it was a piece of bread.  Then she opened the pizza box and selected a nice slice of pepperoni and mushroom, thin crust I might add.  Oh, she’s smart.  She won’t eat all the cookies, just half.  On sloppy joe night, I found my frazzled bride counting buns on the counter.  She sighed in relief, so I smiled and walked away.  That’s when she roared, “Lily!!!”  Apparently the buns were fine, but half the sloppy joe meat had been removed by way of tongue.

Now, I suggested she just not put anything on the counter.  I must emphasize this to any husband reading – don’t do that!  Bad idea.  It seems principle is at play when it comes to a woman and her kitchen counter.  I was unaware of this.  I narrowly survived.  Don’t make the same mistake, for I fear it could be your last.

I have to admit I began to fear for my little puppy.  My wife had that look and kept muttering, “You think you can outsmart me.  I’ll teach you a lesson.”  It was clear she intended to assert her humanity in some way, well, hopefully humane.  At this point, let me say I never really questioned how humane my wife would act.  She is a dog lover, through and through, but Lily was going to learn a lesson, that much was evident.  Then, this morning I heard clanging.

Fresh banana bread was on the counter this afternoon.  It was suspiciously unguarded.  My wife looked suspiciously at ease.  “Aren’t you worried Lily will get the bread?” I asked, confused by the tranquil scene.  She simply replied, “No.”  I looked closer.  There was a tin can filled with coins on the counter.  A string was tied around the can and attached to a piece of beef jerky sitting at the edge of the counter.

“You set a bait trap for the dog!”

“Don’t tell me I can’t outsmart a dog.  She only jumped up there once today.  I think she got the point.”

Now I want to see how she gets Lily to stop drinking out of the toilet.

Source: David Swann