Better Than A Coupon
Is it possible to leave a 24 hour one-shop-stop department store with low self-esteem? I’m thinking it’s, at the very least, highly unlikely. You certainly could leave there feeling like you need a shower, but your self image will still be solid. I could easily envision a circumstance where you left feeling the need to check for lice, apply foot powder, and bleach your own eyeballs but, darn it, you’re going to feel good about yourself and how far you’ve gone in life. When you think about it, Wally World is not just a shopping mecca for all things marginally necessary. It’s a cultural experience and a panacea of sorts for mental ailments and social maladies. It’s as if a miracle of modern commerce and the cast of a Jerry Springer episode collided into one great big feel good about yourself moment. In fact, if I was a psychologist, I’d set up office in there like the eye doctors.
Pause a moment and consider the possibilities. Let’s say a patient came in with concerns about their weight. Send them to aisle three to count the dimples visible through the strangely inappropriate flesh colored leggings the bearded lady is wearing. If that doesn’t do it, try having them focus on that awkward strip of skin between the spandex the lady in the checkout line is wearing and her bikini top. Fifteen pounds doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. In fact, a hundred and fifteen pounds doesn’t seem like a big deal, though you may have inadvertently created a spandex phobia.
If you feel socially awkward and alone, no problem. Take a sniff of the creepy guy hanging out by the women’s underwear, observe the person with one shoulder raised disturbingly higher than the other talking to themselves as they buy 80 pounds of cat food, and call me in the morning. Doctor Phil could not do any better.
Family problems? I don’t think so, at least not after you watch the family in sporting goods. You think your parents were distant and didn’t express their feelings? Hah! Little Jimmy by the mini trampoline dreams of such a life. If you listen close, you’ll find out that he’s bunkmates with his sixteen year old sister’s one year old baby, and they both wet the bed. Jimmy’s dad expresses his feelings to Jimmy by calling him a “stupid bed wetter” and his mom ‘defends’ him by telling her husband/ex-husband/husband that “Jimmy’s only stupid cause you dropped him. I told ya not to toss ‘em up like that with the ceilin’ fan on.” After witnessing that, whatever parent issues most of us have just seem to fade away.
So, next time you feel a bit down, just take a little shopping trip. You can get groceries. You can get your prescriptions filled. You can even buy clothes or toys or even a new pair of glasses. But you won’t have to buy self-esteem. That, it seems, comes free with the visit. If you ask me, it’s better than a coupon.
