Farm Safety

jcp-reallyHow do you stop a pig when it attacks?  You give it a pork chop, of course.  Now this type of wisdom might escape the average person’s consideration, but in light of my daughter’s recent Safety Day field trip, I have decided to share a few basic observations.

First, it occurs to me that someone who has to be told not to stand at the end of the cow that goes potty and kicks may have more problems than ‘Safety Day’ can correct.  Call me crazy, but that seems sort of fundamental.  But maybe not pointing these cow safety things out is udderly irresponsible.  (See what I did there?  I’ve got a little corny thing going.  At least I’m not doing homemade knock-knock jokes.  My wife forbids me.  Apparently they’re bad.)  So, out of a sense of duty (double entendre) and a nod to idiots everywhere, here it goes.

Don’t lie under a cow drinking water.  Don’t attempt to drink fresh milk before it hits the pail.  Don’t flip a cow’s udders trying to determine if they’re real.  Don’t stand on a cow’s back, try to saddle one, or dress in a cow suit and wink at a bull.

Next, let’s talk horses.  Yes, they are mammals.  No, you can’t safely milk them.  That kind of horsing around will leave you mared.  (As a quick aside, you have no idea how difficult that last corny remark was for me.  It had the extra element of spelling difficulty, and I’m spelling impaired.  But I’m proud of myself.  I think I made it look as easy as falling off a horse.  And, we come full circle.  All we’re missing is a drum.  Ba dum bum.)

Now, I really don’t have time to go over every aspect of farm safety, so let’s just hit a few more highlights.  Don’t let a goat see your underpants.  Ducks fly – wear goggles and a washable hat.  Don’t let the broccoli sneak up on you, they have spears.  And last but not least, always remember pigs are sensitive about their weight, hold a grudge, and may be smart enough to operate the tractor.  Give them a pork chop if you have to.

Source: David Swann