All Over The Board

jcp-reallyPardon me if I ramble a bit, but I have a few things to get off my chest, and they may not be completely related.  If you promise to bear with me during this mental popcorn excursion, I promise to at least attempt to pull these fairly unrelated items together into a neat package that resembles, let’s say, that Christmas gift from Swiss Colony the dog got a hold of, slobber and all.

First, I feel the need to personally address Zak from that ghost show.  For those that don’t know, Zak is the grown man always wearing the Tap Out t-shirt.  You can spot him by his obsessive use of the word ‘dude’ and zealous overreaction to cool breezes in empty buildings.  We call that a draft, Zak.  Anyway, I was watching an episode of this show recently, because I obviously hate myself, and he says, and I quote, “I just had an intelligent conversation with a spirit.”  Zak, Zak, Zak.  Your statement is a blatant misunderstanding of reality.  Both parties in a conversation must be intelligent for it to be an intelligent conversation.  Zak could have been talking to Einstein’s ghost and he was still only halfway there.  On top of that, I’m pretty sure ‘ghost Marsha’ talking to him is actually some truck driver’s girlfriend trying to figure out how to work Big Ricky’s CB while he visits the men’s room.  Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

And how about zombies?  Anybody else getting a little tired of them?  I’m about ready for them to eat all the sparkly, love conflicted teen vampire’s brains, if they can find them, and choke on the last couple of bites.  That way we could go back to the cool monsters, like real vampires who burn in the sun and don’t pout because a teenage girl won’t go to the prom with them.

That kinda brings me to reality TV and the drop in global IQ.  This is a true cause and effect dilemma.  Are we dumber as a society because we watch Honey Boo Boo or do we watch Honey Boo Boo because we are dumber as a society?  Mind blown.  The bright side is that the zombies are bound to starve if this trend continues.

Speaking of trends, why don’t kids play outside anymore?  It’s like they’re allergic to the sky.  Put down the video game and go into the sun.  Who knows?  Maybe you’ll sparkle, and that’ll lead to so many brooding opportunities during the teen years, it will be marvelous.  But kids, unless you go outside, you’ll never know if you’re a twinkly vampire with the brutal desire to pick up field mice and bop them on the head.  You want to know how little kids go outside these days?  They ask if they can.  I’m not talking about, “Hey Mom, I’m going to play ball in the yard.”  I mean, “Am I allowed to go outside?”  What do they think parents are going to say?  “No!  Stay in and eat a candy bar while you play another video game.  You’re still not heavy enough to break the couch and pieces of your cerebral cortex remain intact.”  If you need more evidence they don’t go out enough, watch them try going out and see how many times they leave the door open.  Closing a door is a simple task.  You are not practicing near enough if you fail to master it.

Finally, another stupid commercial, probably by the dancing horse fingernail polish people.  This one is for a toothbrush.  I imaging the ‘creative meeting’ went something like this.

            “Let’s come up with the most stupid idea possible and see if they buy it.”

            “Sounds cool.  They went for the dancing horse, how much worse can it get?”

            “Here’s what we’ll do.  Let’s dress a bunch of people in blue and white ninja costumes.”

            “I like where you’re going, Bob.  We can give them flags and they can pretend to be the bristles on the toothbrush.”

            “Perfect.  And we’ll put them on the beach.”

            “Why?”

            “No reason at all.”

            “I like the way you think.”

            Every time that commercial plays, humanity loses a brain cell.

Now that you’ve held up your end of the bargain, I will attempt mine.  Let’s see if I can tie these things together at least as tight as a gangster’s shoe laces.  I think we should use a commercial since they can apparently be as stupid as we want.  A kid, no not just any kid, Honey Boo Boo, goes outside.  She leaves the door open.  Inside the house, a group of people are watching TV.  They seem reasonably intelligent, but they are watching reality TV and their IQ begins to noticeably drop.  First, they say ‘dude’ a lot.  Somebody switches the channel to a ghost show with Zak, the people’s eyes go glassy.  In the yard, Honey Boo Boo is confused because outside is so new.  She wanders aimlessly as zombies enter the yard.  Inside the channel is changed to Twilight.  Everyone gets sullen and irritable and feels misunderstood.  They also begin to drool, ever so slightly.  The zombies enter the open door as a commercial for a toothbrush comes on the TV.  The drooling is now creating puddles on the floor and the people begin to chant for Snooki.  The zombies reach the people, but there are no brains to eat and they fall to the floor starving.  Twilight is back on the TV, and a dark figure steps from the shadows and turns off the movie.  Dracula puts down the remote control and turns to the camera.  He says, “Reading is fundamental,” and closes the door.

Source: David Swann