When Zombies Arrive

jcp-reallyI was at the movies this weekend and a frightening fact began to emerge.  When a superhuman terrorist attacks, we send Ironman to stop him.  A lizard monster evolves from a science experiment and Spiderman swings to the rescue.  When a rogue demigod threatens the Earth, Thor and his big hammer are sent to save the day.  Captain America is created to stop that Red Skull guy, and we call on an entire team of Avengers when aliens invade.  Then the zombies arrive, and what’s our response?  Humanity sends Brad Pitt.  Really?  Is Brad Pitt the best we can do during a zombie apocalypse?  We could go with Matt Damon or even Pierce Brosnan with a fancy car and laser watch but no, Brad Pitt is our choice.  Color me opposed to this decision.

It’s not that I dislike Brad Pitt, though I have to admit the idea of him being eaten by a zombie intrigues me.  I can easily imagine the living dead chowing down on his brain only to look up with an unsatisfied expression when they’re done.  Brad Pitt may indeed be a fine fellow, but if humanity must be defended by an actor, he isn’t even on my radar.  I’m going with Clint Eastwood.  Sure, he’s a little long in the tooth, but Dirty Harry gives me a lot more faith humanity will survive.  Clint Eastwood could scowl at a zombie and its head would fall off.  And you know Clint isn’t going to be alone.  The entire NRA is going to have that crazy old dude’s back.  Whether it’s a Colt Revolver or a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun known to man, some unsuspecting zombie is gonna make Clint’s day, and the world will be right again.

If we can’t send Eastwood, I still wouldn’t pick Brad Pitt.  He wouldn’t be a part of ZAST at all.  ZAST, of course, is the Zombie Apocalypse Strike Force Team.  Yes, I know the ‘Team’ is redundant, but ZAST sounds better than ZAS.  The Force/Team would have Bruce Willis, he dies hard, and you can even send him into space if it for some reason became necessary.  It would also have Sylvester Stallone.  You think Rambo can’t slay zombies better than Brad Pitt?  I’d also have Lee Marvin.  I know he’s probably dead, but so are the zombies, and that dude has an edge.  Of course, you’d have to include Joan Rivers.  The zombies would turn and run.  Then we’d have Johnny Depp for comic relief and to keep the really cool zombie compass that told us where the zombies lived, which I suspect is either Hollywood or Washington, D.C.  If it’s Hollywood, maybe they’ll get Brad Pitt first and save us the trouble of replacing him.

Source: David Swann