New Year Resolutions

Another year has passed and it’s time for the big crystal ball to drop, ringing in the new and ushering forth a string of unfulfilled resolutions. So with due haste, I shall submit a few items of good intention which will undoubtedly fade, or wither, or crash hopelessly on the shore of time where a pulsating void of willpower resides like a napping kitten.

First, I resolve to teach my dog to sleep with her head toward me and her tail toward her mother. The current arrangement is untenable and causing permanent damage to my olfactory nerves.

Next, I resolve to exercise more. Did anybody else just chuckle out loud? In fairness to my carefully worded intention, more is a very relative term. This is, in fact, a resolution I can keep if for no other reason than last year’s abject laziness. Yes, the spirit of the resolution expects more than I will deliver, but then again the spirit of the resolution doesn’t get out of breath walking to the refrigerator. Baby New Year need not be greedy in this endeavor. A stroll around the block wins the day in a TKO.

I am also resolving to spend less and save more. This resolution will be left ambiguous to the point failure is unlikely. Alas, I will likely still fail. It’s not logical, but neither is life.

Finally, I resolve to spend more time writing. I really don’t have much to say about this resolution. However, in a wink and a nod toward its fulfillment, I will not let that slow the ink from my pen. I shall press forward through the nothing which, when you break it down, is no thing. And I will not accept no in this glorious New Year, nor will I be satisfied with a thing unless that thing is strong smelling nasal rub to cover the smell emanating from my dog’s end, which should be pointed in the opposite direction. My will to keep a resolution is so strong that I wrote this sentence to make it so. And this one. And this one.

In retrospect, perhaps a bit of moderation is also in order this New Year, so let me wrap this up with a tidy post Christmas bow. Happy New Year to you and yours. May it be filled with love and happiness, and dogs turned toward you.