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An Unseen, but Not Unnoticed, Truth

An Unseen, but Not Unnoticed, Truth

There is an inescapable truth about parenting that cannot be denied by anyone who has ever raised an athlete, hunter, or member of the marching band. Those seemingly unrelated activities are connected in a way that goes unseen, but certainly not unnoticed. They stink. Oh, not that soft, uncomfortable odor of a normal smelly child, [...]

Why Goats Should Never Ski

Why Goats Should Never Ski

If I had a goat, I’d never ever let it go snow skiing. I’m sure it would want to, seeing how goats are known to be drawn toward speed, high-risk behavior, and, well, mountains. It would probably beg and offer cheese or something, but I’d just put my foot down and say “no” because the [...]

When Did I Grow Up?

When Did I Grow Up?

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I grew up. One minute, I’m worried about passing the driver’s test and picking the perfect date movie, the next my arms are too short to read my income tax statement and I’m buying reading glasses. In truth, it was a blur. Yes, it’s true [...]

Twinkling Night Fiends

Twinkling Night Fiends

Parental pride is powerful, but it is undeniable that it sometimes takes unusual forms. I’ve seen parents proud of what’s in a diaper, how vigorously their child assaulted a fellow Cub Scout, and clothing the child did not buy, pick out, or look particularly good wearing. I’m certainly not passing judgment. Okay, well, yeah, I [...]

Teachers Thank Parents

Teachers Thank Parents

School has started, and I want to take a moment to thank parents on behalf of teachers everywhere. Your children are a pleasure to teach. Now, I know some of you just fell out of your seat, so let me assure you I am talking about your child. Yes, I know that he used to [...]

Florida

Florida

I just got back from vacation, and I can categorically state that if Satan’s hot tub caught fire, ate ghost peppers, and erupted a pyroclastic lava flow, it would still be cooler than Florida. I have also determined Florida is entirely populated by a few very distinct demographic groups. First, you have the tourists. They [...]

A Fine Line

A Fine Line

Sometimes there is a fine line between acceptable and faux pas. I’ve noticed that when it comes to relationships, that line is often closely associated with the U.S. penal code’s definition of a felony. I know love is blind, but come on, people. Let’s use some common sense. I’m going to take a moment here [...]

Harry Potter Rejects

Harry Potter Rejects

Here are a few rejected Harry Potter spells for your consideration. Junioratus Highus. This spell causes the spontaneous recitation of the Declaration of Independence or the Periodic Table if cast by someone with thick bottle glasses. Reason rejected – excessive cruelty. Leviticus Achoo. A diabolical spell that causes the recipient to sneeze ancient scrolls out [...]

Those Little Moral Dilemmas

Those Little Moral Dilemmas

I’m having a moral dilemma, and I invite you to weigh in on the subject. These little fuzzy areas of sin can be quite difficult to wrap your brain around. I mean, seriously, how many Twinkies constitute gluttony? Is it sloth if I sleep past 9 am? What about on a Saturday? Sometimes the old [...]

My Daughter is Twelve

My Daughter is Twelve

My daughter is twelve, which, of course, means I need prayers, lots of prayers. Truth be told, I could also use nerve pills, ear plugs, and a whip and chair. She doesn’t talk a lot these days, preferring to communicate with a judgmental sigh or condescending smirk, and when she does, I have to confess [...]

Encore: The Geek Trifecta

Encore: The Geek Trifecta

My geek is showing, as my sister, a dull Muggle, used to say. In fact, this week it reached a harmonious crescendo. My wife, uber geek, found a geek loot of the month club. Now we can receive Einstein bobble heads, LOTR gear, and dwarven keys to the mountain randomly through the mail. And yes, [...]

Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time is once again upon us. I find it to be both joyful and immensely confusing. More sun due to an arbitrary reassignment of time is certainly pleasing, even though the same effect could be had by getting up an hour earlier. Being, you know, human and partial to circadian rhythms, I like [...]

Dinner Rolls

Dinner Rolls

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and if you survived the gauntlet of candy choices, bombardment of diamond guilt inducing commercials and mediocre restaurants packed like sardines, your relationship is stronger. Congratulations! You’ve climbed a rung on the evolutionary ladder of love. Few things challenge a couple more than an artificial holiday designed to commercialize [...]

Lunchbox of the Future

Lunchbox of the Future

Those who know me well are aware that I have an affinity for infomercials and find advertising in general hilarious. It should come as no surprise, then, that I have discovered an interesting new commercial. A boy is at school, about to eat lunch, and Mom comes into the cafeteria to bring him something from [...]

Christmas Party Merriment

Christmas Party Merriment

‘Tis the season for Christmas parties. Now, I hope the Office of Diversity at the University of Tennessee doesn’t get upset with me over the term “Christmas party.” Oh, who am I kidding? Ze can forcefully insert zeir offense in a gender neutral location. Christmas parties are an integral part of the season and more [...]

Thankfulness

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is once again upon us, a beautiful time of year, unless of course, you’re a turkey or glazable pig. And while it’s easy to mistake this holiday for an opportunity to inflate childhood icons to alarming sizes or ingest enough food to cause a belly to increase to alarming sizes putting someone’s eye out [...]