The Canine Wind
I’m not normally a sensitive fellow, but there is a double standard going on at my house, and it’s starting to get to me. The dog passes gas every time she jumps onto the bed or the couch. She pays no attention to what she’s done. There are no guilty looks or apologies. Nothing, not […]
A Michael Myers Costume
This weekend, I had another one of those surreal moments where reality and the opposite of reality, let’s call that Hollywood just for convenience, collide. This time, it was more frightening than Donald Trump’s hair and left me with that same uneasy feeling I got when I saw Renee Zellweger’s ‘new look’. It happened at […]
The True Spirit of Halloween
With Halloween on the doorstep, I’d like to take a pause to point out a simple truth. These are the moments that make life worth living. Nothing takes a back seat to holding your little zombie’s hand as they march about in a frenzy of sugary desire. To be clear, I’m not talking about Halloween […]
Horror Movie Lessons
I’ve been trying to find a horror movie appropriate for my ten year old daughter, and after considering every slasher film known to man, two things have become perfectly clear. First, there are no slasher films appropriate for my ten year old. Second, this is the perfect genre to introduce as she becomes a teenager. […]
Humans and Monkeys
Have you ever noticed the similarity between Sunday afternoons when you’re hanging out with the family after a big lunch and monkeys sunning on a rock? Both consist of brief, meaningless outbursts of chatter, difficult to interpret, followed by blank stares and cat naps. Give the monkeys a window, a bird feeder, and the NFL […]
I am a Unicorn
Have you noticed how absurd the world has become? People make up whatever they want to serve their twisted agenda and expect the rest of us to just believe it’s true and happily, unconditionally accept it. When did our world become so bizarre? Is this some sort of psychosis derived from political correctness? It seems […]
Why Don’t We Just Talk It All Out?
Typically, I would say terrorism isn’t exactly a funny topic. In fact, the subject is about as serious as life gets. That’s why I was so surprised when a chuckle and a “Really?” came out while watching an MSNBC discussion concerning the usually sober topic. In case you are wondering, I don’t normally watch MSNBC. […]
I Have an Eating Problem
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a serious eating problem. Now to be clear, it’s probably not the kind of eating problem you’re used to hearing about. I’m not anorexic or bulimic, though eating celery does trigger a small gag response. Come on, people, admit it. Celery tastes like dirty water with a […]
Socks are Tricky Beasts
I’ve come to the conclusion that socks are tricky beasts. Yes, I said socks. Consider the evidence. It’s common knowledge they run away from home when taken to the laundry. Grateful clothing simply doesn’t behave that way. Clearly, socks are trouble. Even when you think you’ve developed a close relationship, the perfect fit, they go […]
Mea Culpa de Poke’mon
Alas, this week I must give a mea culpa of sorts. I have brought shame upon myself and my family. I must beg forgiveness at the altar of all that is animated without bulging eyes, without interjection or extemporaneous marks surrounding a character’s melon, and spiked hair. I throw myself on the mercy of a […]
Proof of a Canine’s Love
Another strange day in the household, but I have proof I’m loved. Wow, I could tell you about how my wife is trying to teach our dog to talk by expanding her vocalizations to include the “ah” sound. She keeps telling Lily, “Open your mouth when you rooroo. Say ‘ah’.” For the record, YouTube is […]
Cow BFFs
According to scientific research, cows have best friends. Anybody that’s ever hung out in the food court of a mall already knew that little tidbit. Ooh, yeah, I went there. You were thinking it. I just wrote it down. Don’t judge me. In all seriousness, at least as serious as cow friendship can be, you […]
Baby Gear
Have you ever noticed how much stuff people with kids carry around? I remember it used to be a hassle when my daughter was small, but I’d forgotten just how extreme it was until a 4th of July family cookout at my parents’ house. The cousins came in with little ones, and I’m not exaggerating […]
Lily and the Giant Swan
Do you ever get the feeling your dog is trying to tell you something? That happened to me today. Now, I’m going to do my best to try to explain it, but you’ll have to use your imagination. You see, my dog’s make believe voice sounds like some Moreauvian cross between Steve Martin in The […]
Why is the Cat in the Bag?
Do you ever ask yourself life’s big questions? Sometimes I want to know whether time is linear or if we have a purpose we’re destined to fulfill. There are moments of singular clarity in which such existential topics spark a train of thought leading through the great forest of ideas and the eternal plains of […]
Happy Without a Roof
For years, I’ve been lost in the misunderstood void of joyous thoughts, lyrically misrepresented. Finally, a song comes along that defines my feeling of happiness in a meaningful way. I don’t hesitate to declare my euphoric emotions. I am not ashamed I feel, most certainly, like a room without a roof. Time after time, song […]
