The Loathsome Ladybug

They’re ferocious.  They sneak up on you, crawling forward in relentless pursuit, and then they pounce, their mouths sinking into your flesh.  You know the menace I’m talking about.  Yes, the scourge of mankind.  The evil that must not be spoken.  The creepy in creepy crawly.  The loathsome ladybug.

Say what?  You heard me.  Ladybugs are apparently bad news, at least according to my sister, whose description of what is undoubtedly the cutest bug in the world sounded more like the vampire master from Salem’s Lot or some zombie horde.  I shivered at her words.  Truth be told, I never did like the Salem’s Lot vampire.  He was spooky, I was ten, and Starsky was our only hope.  Or was it Hutch?  At any rate, I didn’t like the odds and those darn ladybugs sounded just as bad as my sister spoke of their enormous ladybug packs and biting prowess.  Then I remembered they were, you know, ladybugs.  I tried to picture them with chaps and riding Harleys terrorizing innocent motorists, but I kept flashing to them riding side saddle on pink mopeds bringing baked goods to the cake walk.  I tried to be a good brother and picture them transforming into werebugs under the gaze of a full moon, but I kept seeing Victorian dresses and doilies.  Doilies are not menacing.  Well, they’re not menacing unless they are accompanied by a dozen cats licking their chops, a strange smell, and an oddly empty sitting room.  No, try as I might, ladybugs just didn’t frighten me, but I didn’t want to be rude about it.

“Ladybugs?” I questioned, thinking maybe she meant roaches or rogue praying mantis swarms.

She reasserted her claim, and who am I to question her?  It’s not like I’m some ladybug expert.  For all I know, they run the Russian mafia, interrogate prisoners at Gitmo, and dislocate kneecaps of snitches.  Maybe that’s how they keep such a pristine reputation.  Talk about the ladybug and the ladybug offs you.  For my sister’s sake, I hope they’re just cute and innocent.  If not, she has a beating coming, and she might not walk for awhile when they get done with their little ladybug bats.