What NOT To Do While Taking Tests

Once again, test week is upon us and anxiety is reaching a crescendo better than Wagner blaring out of mounted speakers on an Army green helicopter. (I’ll take Vietnam for 200, Alex, and hope I get the Common Core Daily Double.) Children are stressed. Parents have their last nerve firmly pressed between the thumb and forefinger of the education system. And teachers, well, teachers are like some bizarre cross of Robin Williams as Mork from Ork, Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, and Robin Williams during an IRS audit, except they only have one hair left and they’re currently pulling it. So let’s take things down a notch. You’ve heard what students should do during test week. Now let’s list a few things that may be a bad idea.

1. Do not have your children stay up all night drinking coffee and slamming pixie sticks. Squirrels will focus better.

2. No substituting crayons for number 2 pencils in defiance of the system or as some social experiment. Crayon use is sacred. Don’t defile it.

3. Paper airplanes shall not be made from answer sheets unless the airplane can exceed the air velocity of a laden swallow – African, not European.

4. A healthy breakfast does not include candy bars.

5. Do not use your bubble answer sheet to make pretty pictures. (If you ignored rule #2 and used crayons, you may also ignore this rule. Just stay in the lines.)

6. Do not wear adult diapers to the test in an attempt to avoid the need for a bathroom break. This could disturb other test takers.

7. Don’t ask Siri to solve for X. Siri hates X.

8. Musical instruments are prohibited. (For the purpose of this rule, all flatulence is considered musical in nature regardless of volume, intensity, or duration.)

9. No pets allowed, except for goats. Goats are welcome. (And occasionally score better, provided they don’t use crayons.)

10. Don’t tell your teacher she didn’t teach you enough to answer a certain question. Breaking this rule could lead to dismemberment.

11. Do not forget to breathe. This creates unconsciousness and results in the teacher having to fill out an incident report. It also leads to dismemberment.

12. Do not dream you are late for the test and have forgotten all the answers. Just kidding. That rule would be impossible to follow unless you are using a crayon and drawing pretty pictures.

13. Do not bubble C unless C is the correct answer or you have forgotten the correct answer or are having difficulty reading or understanding the question or are running out of time. In other words, always choose C.

14. Do not forget what subject you are taking. For instance, in science dense is mass to volume ratio; in language arts it’s your neighbor with the crayon.

15. Do not forget to have fun. The test should be enjoyed. It’s not like it affects your grade, determines your future, impacts your parent’s self-esteem and need to take a third mortgage to pay for your college, and determines your teacher’s salary. Relax.