Cow BFFs

According to scientific research, cows have best friends. Anybody that’s ever hung out in the food court of a mall already knew that little tidbit. Ooh, yeah, I went there. You were thinking it. I just wrote it down. Don’t judge me.

In all seriousness, at least as serious as cow friendship can be, you have to admit that is an interesting fact. Think about it. BFF cows. It’s udderly unbelievable. What I can’t figure out is how you become cow best friends and the extent this friendship is expressed.

For instance, do you just mosey up to the water trough and introduce yourself? “Hey, I’m Sally and I, uh, noticed you like to drink from the algae end. I’m into algae water, too. We’ve got a lot in common.” Or are they more like dogs and go by rear end odor? That could make for some awkward introductions.

And if they have best friends, are there cliques? Is there a group of cheer cows that can’t stand the nerd cows? I’m going to let that one sit for just a second while you try to determine if I’m still referencing bovine. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we should really consider this cow clique thing.

“Do you see Betsy? She looks like such a cow today. I heard she is telling everybody she broke up with Ralph, but he ended it because she is infested with flies. She doesn’t even try to swat them. She’s so dirty. Oh, here she comes. Play it cool. Hi, Betsy! Marge and I were just talking about how pretty you are. Are things going well with Ralph?”

That’s when Betsy’s BFF Wanda walks up.

“Can it. Betsy doesn’t need to hear bull today,” she says, snorting and stomping her foot as if to imply the two cows are in fact bulls.

Now, I suspect these friendships have bounds. For instance, when there’s only room for one more on the slaughter truck, somebody is getting shoved down the chute. Or when the farmer with the cold hands asks for a volunteer to get milked first, your BFF takes a big step back. So basically, cows hang out with their friends, get a snack, talk about other cows, and then turn on each other when it’s clearly in their best interest. And, we’ve come full circle because we are right back to the mall cows. However, as cynical as I’d like to be over cows with one half of a Best Friends Forever heart locket, I just cave in. Let’s face it. Cows with best friends. Adorable.