Billy Bob For Pope

The recent election of the Pope got me thinking.  What if papal elections were like southern politics?  There would be signs in every yard: “Billy Bob for Pope.”  Now, of course Billy Bob would have to select a papal name if he won the election.  He’d select something appropriate to his roots, perhaps Pope Elvis.

Then I started wondering what type of changes Pope Elvis would implement.  I figure there would be Vatican lawn darts and a high likelihood beer made its way into the service somewhere.  At some point, Pope Elvis would likely declare Nascar Day at the Vatican and perhaps explore the possibility of sainthood for Dale Earnhardt, Senior, of course.  Jeff Gordon might even get excommunicated.  They would also have to have fireworks, and watermelon, together.  The Cardinals would be taught the appropriate use of ya’ll, yee haw, and deep water, preferably a creek or stream.

Saturday communion would be changed to football Saturday communion and would include cheese dip.  There would also have to be a “Gone Fishin’” sign made for the door of the Pope’s apartment.  There would probably be a grill installed on Pope Elvis’ balcony as well.  After all, even a fisher of men needs a place to grill up his catfish.

There might be a strange collection of new Cardinals as well.  I imagine Si from Duck Commander leading a group in worship, “Hey, blessed be the duck hunt, ya’ll” or Larry the Cable Guy offending half of Rome on the newly created Cardinal Blue Collar Comedy night.  Pope Elvis would try to make it up to the old guard by getting all the Cardinals and Bishops four wheelers, with the optional deer rack.

Now that I think about it, perhaps the old way is best.  I think the world might be better off with Pope Francis than Pope Elvis.  I don’t think the world is ready for deer hunting, fly fishing, yee haw yelling Cardinals whose robes flap in the breeze as they race their four wheelers to the pond.